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Sus Jokes

  • My friend said to me, “My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful.” I said, “Thank God you said that. I’ve been wanting to say something for years. She’s so fucking ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?” He said, “…No, you fucking cunt, she’s Susan’s new personal make-up artist.”


  • A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

  • I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on…….. ………. the suspension is killing me.

  • Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

  • The scariest part of the show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

  • Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

  • Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane’s gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden’s floating in…..?

  • Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.

  • My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I am suspicious that I am up to something I don’t want myself to know about.

  • Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board. The United team bringing back a trophy this season.

  • Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire.

  • This year’s Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it’s gonna end, but let’s all pretend it’s suspenseful.

  • It’s funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it’s OK for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

  • Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

  • Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.

  • Calling in dead is permitted, however. Do not forget to fill out form D3-AD upon expiring so the truancy dept can rule you out as a suspect.

  • Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.

  • All the dogs have been stolen at the local kennels…The police say they have no suspects but plenty of leads!

  • I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost…To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door!

  • My boss said he finds it highly suspicious that I’m only sick on weekdays….I said it must be my weekend immune system!

  • I tried to remarry my ex, but she sussed I was only after my own fucking money!

  • Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge…Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!

  • Shopkeepers can be so suspicious that £50 notes are fake, so I often use two £25 notes instead!

  • It has been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she’s been all, “Why don’t we go upstairs?” “I’ve got something for you up there,” and, “I’m going to make you sweat tonight.”I’ve got a horrible suspicion she has had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered!

  • After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly!

  • The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down.But it was arson.

  • I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

  • My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

  • My boss said, I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.I said, It must be my weekend immune system.

  • I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

  • My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

  • What did the sushi say to the bee?Wasabi.

  • My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

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