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Swim Jokes

  • I went swimming this morning and I had the second biggest cock in the changing room, which was a little disappointing considering I snook into the ladies!


  • I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea.I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut.The doctor replied, “Ahh bummer mate.”So I did!

  • A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark…So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist!

  • I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank!

  • My dog is a really good swimmer. He floats easily…He’s a good buoy!

  • At the swimming pool I decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!

  • It’s my wifes birthday today, so I’m taking her out tonight to that place where you can drink as much as you like for £3…The swimming baths!

  • I went Speed Dating once.“Have you got any pets?” one girl asked.“Yeah, a goldfish.”“Any hobbies?” she said.“Yes. He loves swimming!”

  • I’m just watching the Commonwealth Games and I’m thinking the lengths some people will go, just to win a swimming race!

  • My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.Luckily, my wife was there to save his life…She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

  • Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  • If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharksIt cost me an arm and a leg!

  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool…so I gave him a glass of water…

  • A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark…So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

  • Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.I gave him a glass of water.

  • Two cats are having a swimming race.One is called One two three, the other Un deux trois. Which cat won?One two three because Un deux trois cat sank.

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