Text Jokes

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, “An ‘R’! The scribes left out the ‘R’.” A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’. They left out the ‘R’. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”

Q: What state has the highest cell phone bills? A: Text-us

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor’s habit and wouldalways have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnutextract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took asip and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!””No, I’m sorry,” the bartender replied. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

Having a rough day? Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here’s a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world,”. 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater. 8. See, you’re smiling already.

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?,” the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.” “Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

Collected Comments of College Students He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up! His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith. The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever. Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it. I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.

Question: If you are given £400 and your daughter texts you and asks for £200 and your son texts you and asks for £200, what do you have?Me: £400 and two unread text messages!

Bloody autocorrect strikes again…The other day I sent my best mate a text saying ‘Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?’I mean, how embarrassing…I meant ‘canal’

Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew!

A girl texts her mum. “Mum I need advice. I’ve got my boyfriend’s cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?”Mum: “Don’t worry you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out.”Girl: “Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!”

Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me… Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted ‘Sorry wrong number’!

Due to an unfortunate text typo my girlfriend now thinks I want to try sex with someone called alan tonight!

I text my wife today. “I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.” She text back, “Who the fuck is Sarah?”

I’ve got £500 in my wallet. One daughter texts me and asks for £200. My other daughter texts me and asks for £175. How much do I have left?£500 and two unread text messages!

My girlfriend is so sweet. She always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with my mates like, “You’ve got a friend in me!”

My dad got a selfie stick for his phone. He can now hold it far enough away to read text messages!

I received a text message earlier:“Hey big boy, fancy me sucking your cock tonight?”Straight away I texted back, Go fuck yourself & delete this number.”Moments later I got another text:“It’s your wife silly, lol. Did you not recognise my new number? x”“Yes!” I replied.

As you will no longer receive a letter from the Queen when you turn 100, it has been confirmed you’ll receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 13!

Nothing worse when you’re trying to send a text and a cyclist bounces off your windscreen!

I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped … I wanted to be ruthless

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with the lads. They thought the movie was shit. But that was nothing compared to my shit night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up.

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Scientist My findings are pointless when taken out of context. Media Scientist claims “findings are pointless”

Oh the Irony…. My predictive text doesn’t know how to spell Nostradamus.

This o is out of cntext.

I texted my boss, “What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter?” He answered, “I don’t know.” I replied, “I’m not coming in this morning.”

My new British girlfriend sort of surprised me the other night when she texted me and told me she was in line to the throne. Turns out she was in a pub and you know how long the women have to wait sometimes to use the women’s washroom.

No one can text faster than a pissed off woman

Waking up to a “fcuk you” text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad.

People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that sh1t.

That awkward moment when someone isn’t texting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile.

Rules for texting a girl: 1. Don’t take 40 minutes to reply. 2. Use good grammar. 3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the face.

I texted my girlfriend “I love you” and she texted back “I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent “I love you moist”….I figured why correct it, it’s true too.

My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I was with her sister Emma!!

My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE.

Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving…I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes.” I replied, “I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later.” He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”

I didn’t text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back…

I got a text! I hope it’s from……. OH MY GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE

My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

If I text you first you are probably amazing.

I text-ed my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who’s my bi$ch? You are.

Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don’t text you back within 30 minutes, she ain’t feeling you bro.

Please ignore this status….. I am standing in public alone and I don’t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting.

Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.

If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

When I’m bored, nobody texts me. When I’m busy, BAM! I’m the most popular person in the world.

I know you shouldn’t text and drive but I’ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

Most girls on Facebook have more problems than a math text book..

The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.

That little dance your thumbs do when you don’t know how to reply to someones text.

I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting.

That awkward moment when people text you first and then don’t keep the conversation going.

Roses are red, I have a phone, no one texts me, forever alone.

Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

Bi?ch I didn’t text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

When somebody sends me a “k” text, I assume they forgot the rest of “fuc_ you”, so I make sure to correct them.

You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you’ve done well.

Just texted “I still love you” to about 50 random phone numbers.

No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .

Well I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Red lights, and I said, “Text and Facebook”

I like to send out texts saying “Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?” Just to see who`s dumb enough.

My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.

Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.’ I wonder what ternative’ means?

People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be shot.

My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,” I’m sorry I won’t come to the phone right now. It’s 2012. LEARN TO TEXT.”

When someone texts you k’, just reply, “L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z”

That annoying moment when you’re waiting for a text & you get one but it’s from the wrong person.

Ladies, if a man doesn’t answer your “What are you doing tonight?” text till it’s already night time, you’re Plan B.

Used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.

Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read……….Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?

LIKE if you don’t ring the doorbell… You just text or call to say you’re outside.

I’ve got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn’t have minded, but I’ve borrowed my girlfriend’s cell phone for the day.

Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don’t get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.

Because of texting, today’s generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.

If you know I’m I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead…

When I text someone and they don’t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from over excitement.

When I’m bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it’s filthy down here. PS: I love you.”

A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

I’m texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!

Just because I don’t talk to you, or text you first, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I’m just waiting for you to miss me.

Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”

Trying to argue via text is like Being Italian and talking with handcuffs on.

Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.

A morning text from me doesn’t mean “good morning”. It means “I’m having very dirty thoughts about you right now”.

I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are. Then when I’m sad: Oh, sorry .

Not knowing what to text back, but not wanting the conversation to end.

I feel like a text is too serious without an “lol” or “haha” in there somewhere.

Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.