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Toilet Jokes

  • I meant to call out a plumber to fix my blocked toilet, but forgot. I’m in deep shit now.


  • “Ladies and Gents.” That concludes our tour of the toilets.

  • I’ve had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.

  • Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she’s just hungry.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side. Why did she want to go to the other side, to go to the pub. Why did she want to go to the pub , to go to the toilet. Why did she want to go to the toilet, BECAUSE THATS WHERE … Read more…

  • I’ve fallen in love’ My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.

  • Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and Toilet tissue have in common? A: They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

  • The boss at work is forcing us all to use the toilet only at designated times. It’s my turn to go now.. I don’t need this shit!

  • This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. … It was pissed off.

  • You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seat-belt on

  • Chicks can only stay at their boyfriend’s place for about 3 days, then they finally need to go home and use the toilet.

  • I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

  • I need to print some my Facebook friends’ status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my bum with them.

  • This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that’s also the last time I’ll buy cheap toilet paper…

  • A little boy asks his dad, “Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?” His dad replies, “Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!”

  • My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can’t see sh!t.

  • Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.

  • 2 reasons not to drink toilet water: Number 1 and number 2.

  • My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift. Dads, they’re always helpin you with shit

  • Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or you’re taking sh!t from some @sshole!

  • I love my toilet. We’ve been through a lot of crap together.

  • Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common… both are essential when I take a s$it.

  • Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm… but I wasn’t finished..

  • You never realize what you have till its gone… Toilet paper is a good example.

  • That “dammit” moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like “Now what do I do…?”

  • I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

  • I just did my budget for August. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper. I think I’m on to something here.

  • People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

  • Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

  • Nothing’s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

  • Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

  • All the toilets were stolen from the police station. An investigation is underway but currently they have nothing to go on.

  • Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets…Sharon is not up for good time. What an awkward phone call that was!

  • Its been a rough day so far. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off…I’m afraid to go to the toilet!

  • Husband: “When I get mad you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”Wife: “I clean the toilet.”Husband: “How does that help?”Wife: “I use your toothbrush!”

  • I’ve just bought an ABBA toilet…What a loo!

  • Life is like toilet paper…You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some arsehole!

  • I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the shitter next to me started smoking…It was so disgusting I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich!

  • I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work…I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit!”

  • I got in touch with my inner self today…That’s the last time I buy one ply toilet paper at Poundland!

  • I just woke the guy next to me on the train to tell him I needed to get up to go to the toilet…He was so pissed off because he’s in the window seat!

  • In our house, we always fight over the right way round to hang the toilet paper, so my therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week…You know, roll reversal!

  • My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week…You know. Roll reversal!

  • I’ll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride…She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

  • It’s been a rough day so far. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off…I’m afraid to go to the toilet!

  • Just bought an ABBA toilet…What a loo!

  • The difference between men and women:Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless!Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out dick and tries to piss until it’s clean!

  • What did the shipmates find in the toilet?The Captain’s Log!

  • I hate it when you’re on the toilet and you notice there is no toilet paper left.Then you have to walk with your trousers round your ankles to get another roll…Anyway, I’m nearly at the corner shop now!

  • I came out of the toilet, did up my zip and said, “I’d give it ten minutes.”My wife said, “Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?”I said, “No, your sister’s putting her knickers back on!”

  • The missus bought a toilet brush earlier, but she can fuck right off…I’m going back to toilet paper!

  • After 12 long hours in the queue today, including no food or toilet breaks, finally, the moment arrived…The Aldi manager opened till number 2!

  • What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?A Megasorearse!

  • I recently bought a toilet brush…To cut a long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper!

  • Just splashed out on a new toilet seat!

  • What did the shipmates find in the toilet?The Captain’s Log.

  • I tried flushing my dutch slippers down the toilet.Now the drain is all clogged up.

  • Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.Today was the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

  • I go to the toilet for two reasons.Number 1 and number 2.

  • I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.I thought, I don’t have time for this shit

  • My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.You know. Roll reversal.

  • My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down.To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.

  • I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

  • What did the shipmates find in the toilet?The Captain’s Log.

  • What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?Megasoreass.

  • My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.I don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

  • I recently bought a toilet brush.Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.

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