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Tool Jokes

  • Two bricklayers outside my house, arguing about which had forgot to put the tools in the van…

    There was a lot of finger pointing I will tell you!


  • My wife phoned me and spoke in a furious tone, “Where the hell are you?”I said, “You know that jewellery store where you saw that necklace that you really really wanted?”“Yes, I remember,” she said excitedly.I replied, “I’m at that tool shop right next door!”

  • My missus called me a sex machine last night…Well, her actual words were “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant!

  • Someone broke into my garage last night, stole my tools and stuff, but I can’t believe they took my limbo stick too.Seriously..how low can you go?

  • I started to count my tools at 10pmBut I stopped after the seventh because it was tool eight.

  • Someone told me I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.What does that mean?

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