Topics

Water Jokes

  • I’ll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me the garden. She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden. Full of water. “Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said. So I did. I remember her well.


  • My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….I think he meant well.

  • You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant

  • Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist, While you were all arguing over the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the Opportunist. Dear Opportunist, Before you drank the glass of water with that smug grin on your face, I spat in it. Sincerely, the Sadist.

  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  • I’m thinking of starting a new business. Because of the high tax rate here in the USA I have decided to explore abroad. Unfortunately, it’s mid-week at my local watering-hole and female patronage is rather low so I will have to wait to do my exploring on Friday and Saturday night.

  • RIP evaporating water. You will be mist.

  • Pregnant woman calls her mum………… “Hi Mum, I don’t wanna cause a panic but I’m out shopping and I think my waters have just broken” ” Oh my God!………Ok, just relax, now, where are you ringing from?” “My fanny to my ankles”

  • I’ve fallen in love’ My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.

  • Ever since the wife and I bought a water bed, we’ve drifted apart.

  • I’ve just watched a distressing film on how African children have to walk up to ten miles to bring water to their village. I think it was far fetched.

  • I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

  • Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

  • The Olympics start tomorrow…or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

  • The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.

  • If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

  • Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better. CAN’T WAIT!

  • 2 reasons not to drink toilet water: Number 1 and number 2.

  • This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about needing it.

  • Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?

  • If you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

  • The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

  • Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound……………………………………….. Give me some cocktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

  • Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

  • Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

  • Difference between rain in India and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. In India the road disappears in 5 minutes

  • I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

  • Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

  • E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

  • The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you dick head.

  • I’m glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.

  • I saw the strangest thing ever today. I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it, then when he reappeared out of the water, he had transformed into a Labrador.

  • I don’t know how some people do it “4 minute shower” It takes me like 4 minutes to even get the water to be the right temperature.

  • Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again…

  • The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

  • What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

  • Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

  • Cop: “Sir, what’s in the bottle next to you? Me: “It’s water” Cop: “Sir, this is wine” Me: “What? Jesus! He did it again!”

  • I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • At a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me “nuthin has come out in a week”. I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser

  • A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

  • Stay away from a place called, “Farm Fresh Restaurant”. I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

  • I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.

  • RIP boiled water.You will be mist.

  • Drinking over 2oz of water an hour leads to excessive restroom requests and hurts productivity. Consider this before indulging in hydration.

  • To those mandated for the night shift please help yourself to an extra ration of water. We have extras due to unanticipated losses.

  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

  • My friend says “Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be trapped in a hole filled with water.” I know he means well.

  • My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill, so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.

  • RIP boiled water.You will be mist.

  • I’ve got an addiction to water, I think I’m an aquaholic.

  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

  • My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….I think he meant well.

  • Watershed joke: A baker was caught bonking his bread loaves. They say he was inbread.

  • My grandma was 98 and bless her, we had to put her in a home. But when she was there, she was like a fish out of water…She died!

  • I do like to spoil the misses after she has had a long day at work. I run the hot water, make sure it’s got loads of bubbles, swirl it round and round to make it all frothy…Time it perfectly, so she can do the dishes the minute she walks in!

  • My jacuzzi has been stolen…The police have said that when they catch the thieves they’ll be in hot water!

  • The roof of the shed was damaged in the gales but my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use until I could repair it…Ta Pauline!#StormFranklin

  • I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet. Anything water related really…I’m actually watching a live stream right now!

  • Approximately 71% of the earths surface is water and it’s not fizzy…This proves that the world is indeed flat!

  • If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed…This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning!

  • Got my water bill today for the last 3 months. £250!Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month…Think I’ll be changing my supplier!

  • A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.His wife asks, “What’s that for?”“It’s for your headache.”“I don’t have a headache!”“Fancy a shag then?”

  • For anyone who’s interested, I will be signing books in Waterstones bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am until security throw me out!

  • Go down a waterslide while it isn’t wet and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important!

  • How do you tell what gender an ant is?Put it in water. If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant!

  • My wife says I’m a stupid bastard because I keep saying expressions incorrectly…I’m not bothered. It’s like water off a ducks arse!

  • An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

  • My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.Luckily, my wife was there to save his life…She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!

  • 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is fizzy… So the earth is, in fact, flat!

  • If your sparkling water loses its bubbles, that’s ok…It’s still water!

  • The inventor of the water jug died today…Tributes have been pouring in!

  • I just saw some idiot at the gym.He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

  • My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because....we got along well.

  • My wife just found out I replaced her water bed with a trampoline.She hit the roof.

  • Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.I was like, well damn.

  • My friend keeps saying Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.I know he means well.

  • What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

  • If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

  • I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of waterI got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • How do you make a water bed bouncier?Use spring water.

  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool…so I gave him a glass of water…

  • The Earth is 70% uncarbonated waterTherefore the Earth is flat.

  • I once mixed up Jacuzzi with YakuzaxLong story short, I ended up in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

  • I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water.Didn’t go down well.

  • I iust saw a real idiot at the gym.He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

  • Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.The Opportunist.

  • Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.I was like well damn.

  • If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

  • Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.I gave him a glass of water.

  • The Earth’s surface is 70% water.That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

  • How do you jump higher on a water bed?You fill it with spring water.

  • Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.I was like well damn.

  • My next door neighbours are splitting up not long after buying a water bed.They just drifted apart!

  • The Earth is made up of 70% water and it’s uncarbonated..So it’s technically flat.

  • At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.Nervous? asked the interviewer.No. I always give 110%.

  • An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. They smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.Have you been drinking?Just water, says the priest.The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?The priest says: Good Lord He’s done it again!

  • My friend keeps saying cheer up mate, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!I know he means well.

  • When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof….I was shocked.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *